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Samuel L Samson qualified from the University of Dunbar with an honours degree in Cheese Studies. Before entering journalism he won international acclaim for his novel of fin-de-siecle love in the buttery - 'Cheddar With Rosie', before moving into writing screenplays for movies such as 'Camembert Obscura' and 'Stilton Waters Run Deep'.

His seminal short film 'Semen' received the 2003 Baton D'Or at the Perigord 'Festival de la Mummerie Extraordinaire'; he also received a special commendation from the Brixton Institute of Manual Labourers for his ground-breaking "Man With a Pneumatic Drill."

Sam was asked to submit a short autobiography, but according to his publicist, he was unfortunately 'too feckless and lazy'. So instead here's a haiku he wrote on the subject of internet love affairs:

'I'm falling for you
I sent you a looooong email.
I hope you're female.'

It's fairly shallow and meaningless, but that's our Sam.

Mr Samson currently lives in Bournemouth, England. He is not now, nor has he ever been, African American.

***

Go to to read Sam's poetry and song lyrics; for the lazy, a few of them are reproduced below.

RUST AND STARDUST (song)

It was like Springtime,
And then you closed yourself like fingers;
And now at least the icy winds upon my face
Freeze the tears before they fall.

But I still taste you,
And that cherry taste that lingers;
Innocence and peppermints;
I've got all of your numbers but we both know why I'll never call.

But I have touched you
Like you touch yourself,
You cannot hide,
'Cos I've seen what's inside;
And you
Have seen what's inside me too.

And maybe someday
When you work out what you're missing,
And the person you are kissing isn't me,
You'll maybe wish that it could be... .

Well someone told me
That you never cared,
And I never dared to ask if it was true.
Is it too late to?

Did I ask you for too much of you?
Was that a mask you wore when I was touching you?
'Cos masks are things
We can both relate, both relate to...

Like static trains and mobile 'phones,
And sucking on shared cherry stones,
And movie soundtracks playing on your stereo;
You never made me that CD,
You never really think of me,
But I could never hate you... .

'Cos I have touched you
Like you touch yourself,
You cannot hide,
'Cos I've seen what's inside of you;
And you've seen what's inside me too.

And maybe someday
When you work out what you're missing,
And the person you are kissing isn't me,
You'll maybe wish that it could be... .

(My car is limping, Little Haze
And the last long lap is the hardest;
But they'll dump me where the weed decays
And the rest is... well you know the rest...

My car is limping, Carmencita
And the last long lap is the hardest;
And you'll find me where the cherries taste sweeter
And the rest is... well you know, you know...)

PERVERT, MEET DELINQUENT (song)

And when you coldly agreed
With the voice in my head,
You said you'd never be mine -
"I'll never be yours" you said.

And then you simply agreed
With the cold, clear voice in my head;
You said "I'd rather be dead...
And you will never have me."

"You always take things too far,
Why do you always have to take things so far?
But then we know what you are
You're a... "

"My best friend thinks you're weird,
Everyone here thinks you're weird,
I wish you'd just disappeared
'Cos you will never have me."

ALL AWAY

You ask "why can't we be friends like before?"
When we were never friends to start with;
I'm just one of those odds and those ends in your drawer,
You don't want any more, but you don't want to part with.

And you'd love to let your lofty standards slip,
But you haven't got the bottle;
If this is a Model Relationship,
Then I'll give you a tip... it's not a working model.

But... I don't have any plans;
Nothing left to say;
I put it in your hands,
You threw it all away.

Another bloody Emergency,
And, yes, you HAVE to shout about it;
You know that when you were next to me,
Well, it was ecstasy, but I can live without it;

And there's more to life than self-sacrifice,
But there's more to love than laughter;
I'll pray for what I'm about to receive,
But I don't believe in Happy-Ever-After.

And I don't have any plans;
Nothing left to say;
I put it in your hands,
You threw it all away.
And I'll never understand
The stupid games you play;
I left it up to you,
You threw it all away.

DRUNKEN POEM NUMBER 2

Now were I of the Gallic race
I'd say "Je t'aime, ma belle";
While worthy Teuton romeos
Find "Ich lieb' dich" serves just as well.

But I'm a Brit, and with true grit
I'll write my poet lays -
Trying to say "I love you"...
(But trying not to use the phrase).

Now Helen, dear, I realise
That yours was not the face
Which launched a thousand battleships
Inspired by Beauty's grace;

Nor did the towers of Ilium burn
On your account, it's true -
But I am burning, darling
Because I'm in like with you.

Now Shakespeare writes of Love's delights
In sonnets by the score;
Imagine his trysts in Stratford's mists
Observing Cupid's law.

You'll realise that I despise
His methods 'for to woo'...
Instead I write this verse contrite
'Cos I'm in like with you.

***

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